“You have stage one; grade three ductal carcinoma and you are HER2 Positive.” After all the scans and tests and endless stress and worry, that’s what she told me and handed me a paper. On that paper was a diagram of a woman, it outlined everything that I was diagnosed with and all the treatments I had to complete to avoid cancer from spreading and coming back. Surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, Herceptin and hormone blocking therapy for five years. She looked at me and said “You will be okay”. I felt numb, hopeless, alone, vulnerable and shocked. This could never happen to me. Why is this happening to me?
From the moment of my diagnosis tears welled up very easily. My mind and body went off the rails. My mind was foggy. The first thing I thought of is, “I don’t want to die. I love life so much. It’s abundant. I love my husband and children so much. I want to spend all my time with them and grow old with them.” The words coming out of her mouth were all muffled and I sat on a chair and felt all alone. It felt like I was having an out of body experience and I was looking in on myself. My body shook and trembled. I wanted to cry so bad but held back. I wanted my mother and couldn’t have her by my side. I needed hope and grasped on to each word that the doctor was saying. “You will be okay” she said and I thought to myself that “she knows these things, right? She’s seen a lot so she must be right.” She scheduled all my scans, blood work and surgery.
I went in for the surgery and I felt so vulnerable. “My life is in these people’s hands” I thought to myself. I felt scared. I usually like control and now I was learning that somethings in life cannot be controlled. I laid down on the bed and warm blankets were placed on me. The nurses and doctors speaking softly and calmly really helped. The anesthesiologist calming and soothingly put me to sleep. I woke up and the lump was gone. It felt good knowing it wasn’t in my body anymore. In the following months I started chemotherapy proceeded by radiation.
Chemotherapy was the worst part of this entire experience. No one can really prepare you for the pain that’s involved with chemotherapy and the side effects are atrocious! I had to go in the hospital alone due to covid. All my hospital visits alone. Chemotherapy brought on pain, muscle stiffness, jaw pain, teeth pain, mouth sores, diarrhea, nausea, migraines, loss of appetite and taste, hair loss, weakness and more. Four rounds of chemotherapy and each time my side effects got worse. After completing chemo my husband and daughters celebrated with me by putting up a banner and ribbons. We had cake and spent time together. All the side effects do not fully go away. Some are still lingering. Numbness of fingertips and toes, weight gain, body aches, anxiety and stress issues and along with these issues was also the side effects of radiation and hot flashes.
I had twenty rounds of radiation on my left breast. Radiation treatments don’t physically hurt at the time of treatments but the side effects start happening a week to two weeks after. The area gets red, swollen and can form blisters. The skin needs cream and hydration three times a day or more. It’s pretty much like getting a bad burn. What radiation does is kills all the cells in the breast but just like chemotherapy the good cells grow back and repair. Everyday my husband whose dedication and love helped me through this entire journey, would drive me to my treatments. For each treatment I felt very vulnerable and emotional during the entire radiation experience. The technicians were very kind and gentle but I felt sensitive and exposed. Even the atmosphere of the treatment centre felt vulnerable, sensitive, delicate and emotional. There is one thing that helped my deep emotional ache and sadness which hung in my heart and chest, my love for my family, my faith and gratitude for life.
This entire experience changed me as a person. I feel I have more faith, gratitude and love for life. I’m grateful for the small moments. The small moments in actuality are so special and beautiful and meaningful. I have slowed down the pace of my life. Even though I’m more emotional and sensitive than before I’m also stronger and more aware. I want to do more and see more in this world. I have a strong thirst to learn and crave new experiences. I want to embrace life with all the good the bad and the ugly because life is a gift.
There are remaining Herceptin treatments, hormone treatments and a yearly mammogram to follow up. My mammogram is scheduled next week and I’m so emotional and scared. I have so many worries and anxieties. Will everything be okay? Will the scans be clear? I can only wait to find out. One day at a time. I can only be fully in the moment and fight with all my strength for my family with faith, love and gratitude.
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